


The Notorious T.B.G.

by scionoobydoo



Category: Real Person Fiction, Touhou Project
Genre: F/M, Sex, Vaginal Sex
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-03
Updated: 2019-04-03
Packaged: 2020-01-04 11:50:43
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,607
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18343115
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/scionoobydoo/pseuds/scionoobydoo
Summary: he's from Wyoming, you could find him IRL





	The Notorious T.B.G.

Getting from point A to point B has long been a complex question to mankind. For a long time, longer than anything you or I do today has been around, the fastest way was to move your legs at a rhythmic pace. It was useful, and something we were built for, but as we settled down, it became less of something we do, and more of a plaything of the civilized. For roughly a millenia or two, the fastest way became a man on a horse, which still was a liability, as horses and men require the things horses and men do. Still, it worked, until the advent of steam power forced us to divvy up the land for tracks. This would not be a problem if you lived in some brutish country where you would never need to go more than four hundred miles, but in the great frontiers of the United States, cars became infinitesimally more useful than a puny train. Since Gensokyo is both a pocket dimension and a land of highly mobile beings, they have no need for either railroads or the better road. This might not be a problem to you, or to me, or to the regular rabbit, but as with everything, there comes a catch, as they had never developed an automobile industry, large or small. This lead to a problem, as tariffs made it nigh-impossible to have a personal automobile, leading to tourists, from Gensokyo and vice versa, having the need to rent, from those with scruples and those without. This, of course, is one of those stories, as in a certain state outside of Wyoming, a certain lunatic lunatic rabbit went to pick up a car for a so called ‘booty call’, as lunatic lunatics do.

Scion Action, in his days of not being a non-stop soap-drop deus ex machina and bus driver, ran a vehicle rental service, which ranged from semi-successful to middling. His vehicles, on a scale from ‘never used’ to ‘meal ticket’ ranged from compacts to great RVs that were pre-stocked. He had a complex set of rules, of which included ‘don’t break Scion’s stuff’ and ‘don’t eat Scion’s food.’ All in all, he was happy with how his business was, as it provided a respite from literary madness. Of course, that did not stop the madness from coming to him. As he was repairing his bus, parked out front, he saw a woman, one of those with rabbit ears and a suit, and grabbed his shotgun, clearly not willing to deal with such a rabbit, and the trouble that they create.

"You got ten seconds to explain who you are and why you’re here,” Scion said, his fingers showing remarkable trigger discipline despite the circumstances, “Or I will send you back to the biggest little city of that city of sin. I do not take kindly to people like you.”

“Hold up, Mister Action,” said Reisen, - for that was the rabbit’s name - “I’m not what you think I am. These ears are real, and I am a paying customer. I heard about your rental service, and as such, I wanted to pay you a visit.”

Scion considered this for all of two seconds before he threw his gun aside, ignoring the damage it had caused to his bus, and embraced her, in a way that, if he were a few hundred miles east or west, would have caused him to be sat down and talked to by Human Resources. 

“Well then, Rabbit,” he said, pointing towards a building in the distance, “why don’t you come to my office, so I can show you my wares.”

Said “office” was in truth a small shack, surrounded by many vehicles, both functional and defunct. In fact, Reisen thought, it would not look out of place in a documentary about the fallibility of the yeoman farmer. However, she was pleased to find that the inside was not at all like the outside, as it had air conditioning and decidedly modern decor. As Scion sat down at his desk, a wooden one that seemed stolen from some odd place he had been at some place, he swept several files off his desk to make room, which fell to the ground. “Don’t worry about those, those are just reports I have to have done some time between now and the next quarter,” he said, “Now, which vehicle interested you on the way in?” 

Reisen considered all of the vehicles, none of which seemed fit for the deed she was about to do. “You said all of the vehicles were up for rent, right?”

“That is correct, excluding my bus. I need that to get places and to do my job, and the other cars don’t work, other than one,” said Scion, “And I doubt you’d use that one, if you’re renting. Now, I can tell you about the rates, or you can—”

Before he was able to finish with the finances, Reisen interrupted by making her eyes shine red and layering her voice melodically. “Well, I did see a car I would like to use, the one in the shed, the...Camaro, wasn’t it?”

Scion, unfazed by her request, darkened slightly at the mention of the car. “Look, that was my mentor’s car, I could give it to you, but it has to be back, no matter what. If I don’t have it by the time he comes back, he will ride my ass.”

“I do not see how that is my problem,” Reisen said, still attempting to use her powers on Scion, “Now tell me about said rates, if there even are any.”

“Yes, there still are those,” Scion said, “400 dollars, twenty-five cents for every mile after the original tank is depleted. Do not try to Ferris Bueller it, I have Crazy Diamond powers, so I can tell if you have. I know Gensokyo uses dollars, so cough them up.”

To that she did do that, and produced the sum of money. To this Scion opened a case on his desk, and tossed her the keys that were in said case. As she drove off, the increasingly confused Scion in her wake, Scion scratched his head, and said, “I think it was the glasses, cause they got mirrors on them, and she was trying to do something with her eyes or something.”

Reisen drove all day and all night and all day and all night and all day and all night and all day, stopping only to get food and other things. After she had driven for what seemed like an inordinate amount of time on the highway, she came across her place of doing things that she was going to go do things at that was the place. She got out of the car, and walked. She kept walking until she had reached the door of the place. She opened the door, and was greeted by a man, about this high, with glasses, and a beard.

“Hello,” said he, “How can I help you, or how can I help you?”

“You know full well why I am here, TBG.” Reisen said, as her eyes began to glow that shade of red.

“Oh shit,” he said, grasping for a nearby object, “The money is under the bed, but you’re early, I know you can’t do anything.”

With this he brandished aforementioned object, which turned out to be a very large cucumber, almost to levels that would be comedic, but not at those levels yet, and certainly not at levels that would be absurd, at least to a seasoned cucumberer, which our TBG was not. He then, seeing that it was useless to his cause, yeeted it into the back, where an eager kappa either devoured it seductively or masturbated with it, since I cannot decipher the original meaning of the manuscript, and if you can figure out the meaning of “lustfully inserted it into her lips” in the Elizabethan tongue, please use that definition to your own best judgement. Not wanting to be the corporation to TBG’s TBG, but not willing to conceal her abundant wit, she spoke up, with at least a small amount of tact.

“Kappa, huh? I usually use other rabbits for unpaid help, if you know what I mean,” she said, “I don’t, but you might. Besides, I am not here with Cosa Nostra, at least not today, or the government, or some other, equally bad, third thing. I am simply here for you.”

To this our TBG could not respond for a while, as he was a man living in Wyoming, a place not particularly known for its random visits or, indeed, visits at all. He then, deciding that he had nothing left to lose, responded as such: “If you are not here with the government, or anyone else, where could you have possibly found me? It’s not as though this is an area on the Isle of Despacito, it’s not normal to visit people that are out of the way like this.”

To that Reisen said, “While that might be true, you have made your presence incredibly visible, even if you don’t think so. Of course, you are aware of the video live-streaming site of Twitch, as you have an account there, where you post videos there. As I assume you are familiar with the old adage of “There are no girls on the internet”, I shall spare you the startling realization that it has, in recent years, stopped being true. It was, of course, there that I found you, and needed to use you, in both senses of the word. Now, we must proceed, TBG.”

“Indeed,” said he, opening the door to his bedroom, while pushing a kappa out of the way “But first, I must warn you, I go hard. I am an internet chat moderator, after all.”

His room, if I am to believe the layouts I was provided with the manuscript, contained his computer, several posters ranging from Hatsune Michael to ones I cannot pronounce, a kappa that, as soon as seeing her master enter, began to play the piano, and a bed, upon which was a feathered headdress. It was on this bed that Reisen sat down upon, put on said hat, and said:

“Well then, great chief He-Does-It-For-Free, why not moderate my pussy?”

At this TBG was taken aback, not at least by the fact that Reisen knew of the Native Americans, but by her callous upfrontness about her motivation. He however, understood women as well as the vast majority of men who play the touhou video games, which is quite a lot, and thought up a cunning plan, all in the span of one millionth of a fortnight. He then voiced his concerns, which were part of his plan:

“I will have to respectfully decline, as I have erectile dysfunction. You might ask, how could a strapping man in the prime of his youth get such a crippling disease? The answer lies within that computer, where I play the rhythm-based game known as Osu!. Said game is the root of my problems, as from awakening the circles to click from within, I have lost said circles from inside my person, which stops my penis from getting up. Not only that, but I have an intense dislike for hats during sex. Call me a bad touhou fan, but a hat to me is a very intimate part of a person, and is too similar to the dry-dicked clothes-on Amish for me to get it up, which compounded with my previous mentioned disease, makes you almost as unattractive as the seija-kancolle.”

“Ah, suffering from fire-water dick, are you? Do not worry, I have a special tonic from our local medicine-man, er, woman, er, you know Eirin.” With this, she tore off the headdress, putting it squarely where it had been originally, produced a bottle of said tonic from her coat, and put it directly in TBG’s mouth. 

The tonic then manifrenulisted in his festulum, with a slight tingling that was reminiscent of that of turning super saiyan. TBG grabbed his dick, cursing Reisen for the discomfort the serum was giving him. Then, suddenly, his body racked with pure power, he began to scream a scream that rivalled that of the loud nigra. With that, his pubes and hair turned from a grayish-brown to a pure yellow, his penis standing at attention, and not just a let’s-get-this-day-over-with attention, a full morale attention. 

“Oh Christ, it wasn’t supposed to do that, but I know who’s behind it. Show yourself, Earth Rabbit Inaba,” Reisen then fired several shots indiscriminately, until one found its mark. A small woman, incredibly small, leapt out of the curtains, pried the bullet from her leg, and grinned. “Tewi, I have never understood why you continue to do such things to me and my kin.”

“The crux of the matter is that you took our jobs. You came from the moon willing to do whatever for whatever price. That and the goddamned tariffs made life a living hell. I’ve been out of a job for months now, and I went Darkholme on the union, so that’s not an option.” To punctuate the matter, Tewi held out an EBT card.

“Oh,” Reisen said, “That is a lot worse than what I thought. So what does the tonic do, other than getting it up?”

“Get this,” Tewi said, “It yeets the color off of your hair, like a super saiyan.”

“That’s it? No evil timebomb or permanent issue or transformation into a furry or a secondary?” Reisen said, “I think you’re losing your touch.”

“Look, you try buying poison with government money and see how that fares you,” Tewi said, leaving through the door, which a kappa had opened, “I gotta go, Divorce Court isn’t gonna watch itself.” She then left, leaving Reisen and TBG completely alone.

“So, shall we get on with it?” TBG said, pointing to his now awakened penis, that was posing like a pillar man. “It hurts, man.”

“I thought you would never ask me that, all things considered,” Reisen said, taking off her pants, “Take off yours as well, I don’t make people pay child support.”

He obliged as much, and then walked up to the bed, held down Reisen, and began to thrust into her. Let it be known that TBG was no two-pump chump, for he had trained for many years in the mountains of Florida solo. However, even if you can beat a game single player, you most likely would be unaccustomed to the meta, and fail miserably at the multiplayer. It was on this multiplayer that Reisen was quite good at, and with that, the two were worthy opponents, and their battle was clearly legendary. Nevertheless, every battle must have a winner and a loser, and this one was no exception. The winner, of course, was Reisen, as she was able to hold on for one second longer than TBG, who came in an incredibly large volume. After he had recovered his breath, he said:

“Holy balls, I came like the hentai man from . That one was your handiwork, too. Come to think of it, you go on all these sexcapades, and no doubt get knocked up, as I can tell from the insularstrations, and yet, you can somehow be fighting fit the next month. How is that?”

Reisen then laughed like that one anime broad, you know the one I’m talking about, and said: “I’m a rabbit for a reason, ‘The notorious TBG’, and you know what rabbits do when they mate, so get back on the bed.”


End file.
